Saturday, February 21, 2009

Send in the clones

In the summer of 1997, the Tamil Nadu government initiated efforts to introduce sex education into the school curriculum. This highly controversial move sparked a dramatic reaction from all fractions of the academic world, not to mention a whole slew of worried parents and one very troubled sheep.

Is this rot what they are teaching our kids in schools these days, one man asked, whatever happened to good old differential equations in the third degree. Another protested, sex is against Indian culture. To which the man next to him replied, how do you explain the one billion then? To which the former, after meditating long and hard on the seeming conundrum, replied – mitosis! This then sparked a nation-wide debate on stress-altered reproductive behavior and DNA replication in certain species, in which many noted zoologists, biologists, sociologists and one shady man in an oversized coat who kept winking at the female gynecologist and no one really know what he was there for, partook. But that is another story.

Amidst much public outcry and protests that this move would expedite the moral degradation of the general public, the government decided to still go ahead with this landmark decision in the history of Indian education. The education minister at the time, Ms Saswati Padhayeeiks, affectionately nicknamed ‘eeks’ by the opposition party members, had only this to say to all the dissenting fractions of the general public, ‘Because I say so’.

The delicate task of exposing young minds for the first time, to the concept of reproductive behavior and the actual mechanics of it, was one that warranted a great deal of tact, delicacy and an innate understanding of the actual subject matter under review. Selecting the person most suited for executing this task would be of paramount importance. After reviewing several thousand noted personalities from all walks of life, by the end of that year, one Mr Allvais Reddy Foryakshun, was commissioned by the government of Tamil Nadu to assume this monumental undertaking.

The following papers are excerpts from a series of correspondence between Mr Allvais Reddy Foryakshun and the government of Tamil Nadu.

 --

To Ms. Saswati Padhayeeiks,

Minister for Education, Tamil Nadu


In accordance with the guidelines laid down by the Ministry of education, Tamil Nadu, I have executed my duties to the best of my abilities and have produced the following passage for inclusion in textbooks for the Matriculation stream, standard 10.

A brief introduction to sex:

 Reproduction is the fundamental feature of all life. Normal human reproduction occurs through sexual intercourse. Sexual intercourse is the act in which the male reproductive organ, called the penis, enters the female reproductive tract, called the vagina. The primary goal of sex is to merge the sperm and egg to make a baby.

When a girl child is born, she has all the eggs her body will ever use stored in her ovaries. As she matures into puberty, her body begins producing various hormones that cause the eggs to mature. The ovaries release one egg about once a month. If the egg does not become fertilized by male sperm, the egg and the lining of the uterus drain out of the vagina. If the egg does become fertilized by male sperm from intercourse, it will attach itself to the lining of the uterus and grow into a baby.


Mr Allvais Reddy Foryakshun

BE, MS, MPHIL, PHD, BED, COT, MATTRESS.

--

 To Mr Allvais Reddy Foryakshun

BE, MS, MPHIL, PHD, BED, COT, MATTRESS.


After careful evaluation of your submission we feel that the subject matter under review would benefit from inviting inputs from other sources. After consultation with Ms Seskie Baybee, Director of the Indian Censor Board, it is our opinion that the language of the text should be scientific and educational in nature. Explicit vocabulary and suggestive writing should be avoided at all costs in order to safeguard the moral fibre of the country’s youth, especially since we are addressing a particularly impressionable populace. Please refer to the list of banned words as stated by the Indian Censor Board and find suitable scientific alternatives.


Ms. Saswati Padhayeeiks,

Minister for Education, Tamil Nadu

Ms. Seskie Baybee,

Director of the Indian Censor Board

 --

 

To Ms. Saswati Padhayeeiks,

Minister for Education, Tamil Nadu

 

In accordance with the guidelines laid down by the Ministry of education, Tamil Nadu, I have incorporated the recommended changes into the text and produced the following passage for inclusion in textbooks for the Matriculation stream, standard 10.

A brief introduction to sex:

Reproduction is the fundamental feature of all life. Normal human reproduction occurs through theactformerlyknownassex. Theactformerlyknownassex is the act in which the male reproductive organ enters the female reproductive tract. The primary goal of theactformerlyknownassex is to merge the seed and egg to make a baby.

 When a girl child is born, she has all the eggs her body will ever use stored in her thingamagig. As she matures into whachamacalit, her body begins producing various badabhimbadaboom that cause the eggs to mature. The thingamagig release one egg about once a month. If the egg does not become fertilized by whoopadedadoop, the egg and the lining of the dadadodedodum drain out of the female reproductive tract. If the egg does become fertilized by whoopadedadoop from theactformerlyknownassex, it will attach itself to the lining of the dadadodedodum  and grow into a baby.


Mr Allvais Reddy Foryakshun

BE, MS, MPHIL, PHD, BED, COT, MATTRESS.

--

 To Mr Allvais Reddy Foryakshun

BE, MS, MPHIL, PHD, BED, COT, MATTRESS.


After careful evaluation of your submission we feel that the subject matter under review would benefit from inviting inputs from other sources. After consultation with Ms Male Basheeng, Director of the National Commission for Woman, it is our opinion that the emotional aspects of reproduction have been largely ignored in the current text. We recommend highlighting the psychological and emotional aspects of reproduction from a female perspective.


Ms. Saswati Padhayeeiks,

Minister for Education, Tamil Nadu

Ms Male Basheeng,

Director of the National Commission for Woman

--

 To Ms. Saswati Padhayeeiks,

Minister for Education, Tamil Nadu


In accordance with the guidelines laid down by the Ministry of education, Tamil Nadu, I have incorporated the recommended changes into the text and produced the following passage for inclusion in textbooks for the Matriculation stream, standard 10.

A brief introduction to sex:

Reproduction is the fundamental feature of all life. Normal human reproduction occurs through theactformerlyknownassex. Theactformerlyknownassex is the act in which the male reproductive organ enters the female reproductive tract. The primary goal of theactformerlyknownassex is to merge the seed and egg to make a baby. Babies are wonderful. All women love babies. Only women have the power to increase the human race. They are sexy, sexy Von-Neumann machines 1.

When a girl child is born, she has all the eggs her body will ever use stored in her thingamagig. As she matures into whachamacalit, her body begins producing various badabhimbadaboom that cause the precious eggs to mature. The thingamagig release one egg about once a month. If the egg does not become fertilized by whoopadedadoop, the egg and the lining of the dadadodedodum drain out of the female reproductive tract in a normal but painful phenomenon that all women experience. This pain is rumored to be a mere 1/100th of the pain of actual childbirth. 

If the egg does become fertilized by whoopadedadoop from theactformerlyknownassex, it will attach itself to the lining of the dadadodedodum and grow into a baby, thanks to the awesome child-bearing powers of women. We must all worship women as testament to the pain they endure in the fulfillment of their noble duties to advance the human race.


Mr Allvais Reddy Foryakshun

BE, MS, MPHIL, PHD, BED, COT, MATTRESS.

 --

To Mr Allvais Reddy Foryakshun

BE, MS, MPHIL, PHD, BED, COT, MATTRESS.


After careful evaluation of your submission we feel that the subject matter under review would benefit from inviting inputs from other sources. After consultation with Mr Iyama Pansie, Director of the National Commission for Men, it is our opinion that the tonal quality of the text is too heavily female-oriented. In the interests of equality, we strongly recommend that you stress upon the indispensible role men play in the act of reproduction.


Ms. Saswati Padhayeeiks,

Minister for Education, Tamil Nadu

Mr Iyama Pansie,

Director of the National Commission for Men

--

 To Ms. Saswati Padhayeeiks,

Minister for Education, Tamil Nadu


In accordance with the guidelines laid down by the Ministry of education, Tamil Nadu, I have incorporated the recommended changes into the text and produced the following passage for inclusion in textbooks for the Matriculation stream, standard 10.

A brief introduction to sex:

 Reproduction is the fundamental feature of all life. Normal human reproduction occurs theactformerlyknownassex. Theactformerlyknownassex is the act in which the male reproductive organ enters the female reproductive tract. The primary goal of theactformerlyknownassex is to merge the seed and egg to make a baby. Babies are wonderful. All women love babies – especially male babies. Due to the limitations of medical advancements, currently only women have the power to increase the human race. They are sexy, sexy Von-Neumann machines.

 When a girl child is born, she has all the eggs her body will ever use stored in her thingamagig. As she matures into whachamacalit, her body begins producing various badabhimbadaboom that cause the precious eggs to mature. The thingamagig release one egg about once a month. If the egg does not become fertilized by whoopadedadoop, otherwise known as sacred man-milk which every red-blooded male possesses, the egg and the lining of the dadadodedodum drain out of the female reproductive tract in a normal but painful phenomenon that all women experience. This pain is rumored to be a mere 1/100th of the pain of actual childbirth. However, this pain is nothing compared to the pain of providing for the family – a noble task that all men undertake.

If the egg does become fertilized by the sacred man-milk through theactformerlyknownassex, it will attach itself to the lining of the dadadodedodum and and grow into a baby, thanks to the awesome child-bearing powers of women and the secret life-giving powers of man-milk. We must all worship women and genuflect at men as testament to the duties they undertake in their noble mission to advance the human race.


Mr Allvais Reddy Foryakshun

BE, MS, MPHIL, PHD, BED, COT, MATTRESS.

 --

To Mr Allvais Reddy Foryakshun

BE, MS, MPHIL, PHD, BED, COT, MATTRESS.


 After careful evaluation of your submission we feel that the subject matter under review would benefit from inviting inputs from other sources. After consultation with Sr Ivana Geddlaid, President of the National Catholics Educational Association, it is our opinion that the moral implications of the act of reproduction have been grossly underrepresented. We strongly recommend that you place emphasis on the spiritual aspects of this most holy act.


Ms. Saswati Padhayeeiks,

Minister for Education, Tamil Nadu

Sr Ivana Geddlaid,

President of the National Catholics Educational Association

--

To Ms. Saswati Padhayeeiks,

Minister for Education, Tamil Nadu


In accordance with the guidelines laid down by the Ministry of education, Tamil Nadu, I have incorporated the recommended changes into the text and produced the following passage for inclusion in textbooks for the Matriculation stream, standard 10.

 A brief introduction to sex:

Reproduction is the purpose of all life. Normal human reproduction only occurs after marriage. Only dogs have sex; humans have babies. Theactformerlyknownassex is the act in which mommy and daddy come together to make a baby. The primary goal of theactformerlyknownassex is make babies so that we can all marvel at God’s wonderful creation. Due to the designs of our lord and supreme master, only women have the power to increase the human race. They are pretty, pretty carriers of spiritual beings.

When a girl child is born, she has all the eggs her body will ever use. As she matures, her body undergoes mysterious changes that only God in his infinite wisdom can fathom. Only hell-fiends and infidels would try to uncover the magic of all creation through medical science.

When mommy and daddy indulge in holy union and consummate their marriage, a tiny miracle begins to grow inside mommy’s stomach, bearing testimony to the glory of God. When you grow up, please remember to get married and consummate your union. And finally: condoms are evil. Latex is made in hell, not China.


Mr Allvais Reddy Foryakshun

BE, MS, MPHIL, PHD, BED, COT, MATTRESS.

--

To Mr Allvais Reddy Foryakshun

BE, MS, MPHIL, PHD, BED, COT, MATTRESS.


After careful evaluation of your submission we feel that the subject matter under review is finally at a publishable level. However, it is my opinion that the text could still benefit from some further tweak and polish. I would suggest we meet in my office tonight to address the problem in hand. Looking forward to working closely with you, Mr Reddy Foryakshun.  


Ms. Saswati Padhayeeiks,

Minister for Education, Tamil Nadu

 --

Footnote:

1 – Extra cookie to anyone who can tell me what this is all about :D 

5 comments:

Kaushik said...

Dude.

Why did this post have to be so long?

compos mentis said...

it was its destiny.

themonk said...

Heh, about the sexy, sexy Von Neumann machines, it would be unfair of me to answer :P

compos mentis said...

That it would, monkus. And i owe you one for your status message :D

themonk said...

I still want the cookie though...