Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Caffiene fix

Salesperson, Customer, Manager
(first exchange between salesperson and customer, the next is between customer and manager)

- (says in monotonous drone with no expression) Hi, Welcome to CafeCoffeeCoasta. My name is David, how may I help you?
- Er… Yeah… I’ll have coffee
- Regular, decaf, flavoured?
- Uh… regular.
- Would that be cold coffee, or hot?
- Hot.
- We have a fascinating range of cold coffee. Today we have a special offer on…
- No, just hot coffee, thanks.
- Ok. Lowfat, nonfat, semi-skimmed, full fat, cream?
- Uh, do you have like just regular milk?
- Sorry sir, that’s not on the menu. We have lowfat, nonfat, semi-...
- (getting impatient) Yeah yeah, I’ll take…. lowfat.
- Sugar, honey, sugarfree, demerara?
(One by one, people slowly start forming a queue behind him)
- What?... Just sugar.
- Would you like me to add that to your coffee or would you prefer sachets by the side?
- I don’t care. Ok fine, just add it.
- Sorry sir, we don’t have coffee.
- You what?! (takes breath to calm self) Ok. Then please enlighten me, why, did you take me thru this entire mindless exercise?
- You asked for coffee. Store policy requires us to inform customers of our vast range of…
- Ok, Stop! I’ll have tea.
- Would that be organic…
- Do you even have tea?
- Would that be organic…
- No! It’s a simple question. All you have to do is say yes or no. Do. You. Have. Tea?
- (pause) Would that be darjeeling, assam, earl grey, masala chai…
- Earl Grey! Earl Grey! Earl Grey!
- Would that be with milk or lemon?
- Milk.
- Lowfat, nonfat, semi-skimmed, full fat..
- Forget it! Lemon then, give me the fucking lemon!
(Queue behind him keeps getting longer. People getting restless)
- (voices from queue) So… are you like gonna buy something or just waste space? … Yeah man, hurry up…
- Sugar, honey, sugarfree, demerara?
- I don’t fucking care! Take it to the goddamn fields of Sri Lanka and manually squeeze the juice from sugarcane with your bare hands, if you like! I don’t care if you have to personally fly to Venezuela and handpick the beans. Just give me my fucking coffee!
(Manager arrives)
- Hi. Is there a problem?
- No! No fucking problem. I just want my fucking coffee.
- Sir we will have to request you to kindly refrain from using that kind of language this is a family establishment.
- (is sobbing) I just want my coffee.. I swear… I don’t mean any harm, really I don’t.. I just want my coffee…
- Sir, if you will step aside please.
- No! I will NOT step aside! I refuse to budge! I absolutely vehemently refuse to step outside… this circle (takes sugar pot and spills in circle around his feet)
- Sir, you need to relax. Have something to drink.
- (grabs huge cup from table and wavesaround wildly) What the fuck do you think I’ve been trying to do for the past fifteen minutes you moron!
- (grabs nearby spoon and points) Sir. Calm down. Don’t make any false moves. Put the cup down gently… and step away from the counter.
- (taunts) Oh! I’m soooo scared. What are you going to do, stir me to death? Wait, let me make it easier for you, I’ll get into the cup myself! And then you can infuse me with milk… no wait! I mean, low fat, nonfat, semi… (raises cup high above head, about to smash to floor)
(Security tackle him, carry him out kicking and screaming. Thrown on pavement)
- (Pause. Notices guy in tea-kadai behind him) Ay! Chai.
- Tho!


This was a short sketch that I wrote and performed @ pif (installment one) at Madras in December 2007. Anyone wishing to use these, please do ask for permission and give the author (erm, me) due credit. I am just a poor girl though my story's seldom told.


W H said...

It happened to me in air.. the steward took 30 seconds to mention the different varieties of veg and non veg...
I just said.. VEG..
We both burst into a giggle...
BTW.. visit Finjaan, Tolichowki Hyderabad

compos mentis said...


Yus. But coffee pubs take the cake, the icing and the baker.