Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Nunsense Worse - Part 2



he picked up a sketch pen and drew a picture on the white board.
It looked at him scornfully
it was a circle
a scornful circle
wait no, he cried, i’m writing
balls it said
and refused to be written
and then the world exploded and everyone died

---
i stood there in the rain and my yellow boots
i can alienate squirrels i said
ha she said
actually she said ha with an exclamation mark
i watched the spittle eject from her mouth and catch the last rays of the setting sun
it was beautiful
i cried and the snot mingled with the rain
and then i said colon and an asterix
she said she had prostate cancer so i killed her with my blackberry
all that was left was her prostitute red heels and one forlorn gonad

---

she came in through the bathroom window
like an interstellar bunny from outer space
and she told me the trail of nonsense has ended
and we must now write a story
and then she sucked the verse out of me
her breath smelt faintly of almonds
i wondered if she killed kenn..n.. .. .

Discerning shapes

Characters: X,Y,A.

(Three actors on stage, wearing white sheets. A approaches X who is watching Y contort body into weird shapes)
A: What is he doing?
X: He’s fashioning himself into a duck.
A: Er…Why?
X: You see that little speck there? He seems to be pretty amused.
A: (Visibly disturbed. Takes moment to compose self) Let me explain to you how this works. We, are clouds. We, are free flowing droplets of ice and water suspended in air. We don’t form shapes for the people dwelling below. They discern shapes in clouds… What is he doing now?
Y: I am rearranging myself to resemble a phallic-shaped object.
A: And pray, why?
Y: You see that middle-aged woman sitting by herself, with a cat on her lap?
A: Yes…?
Y: I’m messing with her mind.
A: You can’t do that! You mean, you’ve been arranging yourself into oblique
X: …phallic-shaped…
A: phallic-shaped objects just to mess with people’s minds?! This is… this is… morally repugnant.
X: Dude, what do you think we did to Freud?
Y: Oh look, punk kid, spray-painting graffiti on walls. Hey kid! Do you know what those things do to us?
X: CFCs man!
Y: Look, sunset!
X: Oooh… trippy colors!
Y: It’s the aerosols!
X: The aerosols! They’ve ruined it for us! Give him the finger.
Y: Oh yeah, I’ll show him…
A: Ok, stay calm stay calm. We don’t want to get angry, no dark thoughts or dark clouds. Could set off a storm and ruin a beautiful morning. Think light white thoughts.
X: Man, that’s like a total work of art. I mean the juxtaposition of the erect middle finger to the index…
A: STOP IT! (takes deep breath) Now, clouds... We do not signal gestures of obscenities to people living below. We… are noble celestial beings. We rise above such petty behaviour. We come from a noble lineage of cumulus…
Y: Man, look at that dumb dog. Why’s it barking at me?
X: I dunno. Cuz you kinda look like a cat?
Y: Yeah? Could be cuz of the cat-ear-like projections here. Maybe if I…
X: Dude, that is so cool. You look like a rabbit now.
Y: Still barking. Maybe it’s a hunting dog. Heh, let me do a bone. That’ll just drive him wild.
X: Oh man, that’s brilliant.
A: Happy thoughts happy thoughts… White fluffy thoughts… No dark stormy thoughts clouding my mind…
X: Man, look at that babe!
Y: And look at the guy she’s with. What a loser!
X: Do the penis, do the penis!
Y: One erect phallic symbol, complete with ginormous head, coming right… up!
A: Breathe… Flow… Glide… Auuuuuuuuuuummmm….. Auuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmm…
X: Geez, just look at that guy! He doesn’t know where to turn.
Y: And look at that chick blush!
X: Dude, do the tits, do the tits!
Y: As Howard Hughes, so eloquently put it… I want clouds. Like giant breasts full of milk!
X: Man, that’s priceless!
Y: I know! Now the guy’s turning red.
X: I’m so loving this!
A: Think of a gentle summer breeze… Drifting slowly over serene mountain tops…
X: Do the position!
Y: Which one?
X: All 69 of them! The cumulus Sutra. I wanna see them cry.
A: Arrrrrrrrrrrgh! (Grabs heads of X and Y and knocks them together. Lights out. Sounds of lightning and thunder. Sound of Rain)
A: Oh crap.

--

This was a short sketch that I wrote and performed @ pif (installment one) at Madras in December 2007. Anyone wishing to use these, please do ask for permission and give the author (erm, me) due credit. I am just a poor girl though my story's seldom told.

Strange Proposition

Characters:
M/W – Man/Woman. Long pause everytime there is a line break

(Woman reading book. Newspaper lies in seat next to her. Man enters)
- M Hi. This seat taken?
- (Shakes head. Signals he can sit next to her)
- (Points to newspaper next to her) Uhm… are you done with that?
- Hmm? Yes.
- (Picks up and starts reading. Chuckling to himself)
- What is it?
- Reading the funnies.
- Ah.
(He carries on laughing. Girl closes her book and looks at him, amused)
- M Guy jumps off a 13th storey building… so as he’s passing by 9th floor, someone sticks their head out the window and asks him. So, how’s it going? As he’s falling, guy replies, well… so far so good.
- (Chuckles) That’s a terrible joke.
- Is it? I thought it was supremely funny.
- (playfully) Well maybe you have a low threshold for humour.
- Well maybe you’re too uptight to appreciate good humour.
- What? Who? I… I’m not uptight! I’m just… well… what’s wrong with being uptight anyway?
- Nothing. Whatever works for you.
(He goes back to paper, chuckles. She goes back to book. He keeps chuckling)
- W (irritated) Why did you say that?
- Hmm?
- Uptight. Why’d you say that?
- Ah. No reason really. Just… I don’t know. Maybe the way you tie your hair up.
- Oh. I see. And that gives you profound insight into my psyche does it?
- No, I didn’t mean…
- Has it occurred to you, it might simply be functional? Maybe I just don’t like it falling all over my eyes. Or having it stick to the back of my neck in all this heat
- Hmm. Point. (smiles. gets back to paper)
- And what of you then? Sitting there in that… that white shirt and jeans and, what are those, loafers? On your feet. So predictable. The laid-back, easy going drifter dude. It’s too… perfect, too coordinated, too carefully chosen. You try too hard.
- You certainly have astute powers of observation.
- It’s my job to pay attention to details.
- Interesting. What do you do?
- I’m an accountant.
- I see. (gets back to paper)
- No you don’t!
- What?
- I find it very offensive.
- That I see?
- No… your tone. It’s very condescending.
- I see… offensively?
- Precisely.
- I see.
- Stop it.
- (He grins. Girl cracks smile)
- Anyway. What do you do?
- I’m a laid-back, easy-going drifter dude.
- Right. (gets back to book)
-
- M So how many kids?
- What?
- How many kids do you have?
- Five.
- Really now?
- No.
- Ah.
-
- W So how’s the wife?
- Run away. With male lover.
- Sorry to hear that.
- Not her. Me.
- Ah.
-
- M Would you marry me?
- What of your male lover?
- He’ll survive.
- And my five children?
- We can have five more.
- What would I do with a drifter?
- You can teach him how to dress.
- And what would you do with an accountant?
- (Guy reaches over, removes clip) Lots of things.
-
- W Are you serious?
- Yes.
- Really?
- No.
-
- W Yes.
- Really?
- No.
-
- M Hairstylist.
- What?
- It’s what I do.
- Do you?
- No
- I see.
- You do?
- No.
- I see.

- W Next stop.
- What?
- There’s a church.
- So?
- They perform marriages.
-
- W Will it work?
- It might.
- You don’t know anything about me.
- I know you look gorgeous with your hair left loose.
- I don’t know anything about you.
- You have the rest of your life to find out
-
- W I’m actually a designer. Just turned 28. never been married. Don’t particularly like kids. I live with my five cats. I hate tomatoes. Oh, and I love the funnies.
- Im a struggling actor. 24, but can pass off for 20. 30 if nursing a hangover. Live with my mum, have my own key though. Hate cabbage. Love dogs.
-
- M Here’s our stop.
- You really think it could work?
- Well... (looks out the window) So far, so good.
(Lights out)

--

This was a short sketch that I wrote and performed @ pif (installment one) at Madras in December 2007. Anyone wishing to use these, please do ask for permission and give the author (erm, me) due credit. I am just a poor girl though my story's seldom told.

Caffiene fix

Characters:
Salesperson, Customer, Manager
(first exchange between salesperson and customer, the next is between customer and manager)

- (says in monotonous drone with no expression) Hi, Welcome to CafeCoffeeCoasta. My name is David, how may I help you?
- Er… Yeah… I’ll have coffee
- Regular, decaf, flavoured?
- Uh… regular.
- Would that be cold coffee, or hot?
- Hot.
- We have a fascinating range of cold coffee. Today we have a special offer on…
- No, just hot coffee, thanks.
- Ok. Lowfat, nonfat, semi-skimmed, full fat, cream?
- Uh, do you have like just regular milk?
- Sorry sir, that’s not on the menu. We have lowfat, nonfat, semi-...
- (getting impatient) Yeah yeah, I’ll take…. lowfat.
- Sugar, honey, sugarfree, demerara?
(One by one, people slowly start forming a queue behind him)
- What?... Just sugar.
- Would you like me to add that to your coffee or would you prefer sachets by the side?
- I don’t care. Ok fine, just add it.
- Sorry sir, we don’t have coffee.
- You what?! (takes breath to calm self) Ok. Then please enlighten me, why, did you take me thru this entire mindless exercise?
- You asked for coffee. Store policy requires us to inform customers of our vast range of…
- Ok, Stop! I’ll have tea.
- Would that be organic…
- Do you even have tea?
- Would that be organic…
- No! It’s a simple question. All you have to do is say yes or no. Do. You. Have. Tea?
- (pause) Would that be darjeeling, assam, earl grey, masala chai…
- Earl Grey! Earl Grey! Earl Grey!
- Would that be with milk or lemon?
- Milk.
- Lowfat, nonfat, semi-skimmed, full fat..
- Forget it! Lemon then, give me the fucking lemon!
(Queue behind him keeps getting longer. People getting restless)
- (voices from queue) So… are you like gonna buy something or just waste space? … Yeah man, hurry up…
- Sugar, honey, sugarfree, demerara?
- I don’t fucking care! Take it to the goddamn fields of Sri Lanka and manually squeeze the juice from sugarcane with your bare hands, if you like! I don’t care if you have to personally fly to Venezuela and handpick the beans. Just give me my fucking coffee!
(Manager arrives)
- Hi. Is there a problem?
- No! No fucking problem. I just want my fucking coffee.
- Sir we will have to request you to kindly refrain from using that kind of language this is a family establishment.
- (is sobbing) I just want my coffee.. I swear… I don’t mean any harm, really I don’t.. I just want my coffee…
- Sir, if you will step aside please.
- No! I will NOT step aside! I refuse to budge! I absolutely vehemently refuse to step outside… this circle (takes sugar pot and spills in circle around his feet)
- Sir, you need to relax. Have something to drink.
- (grabs huge cup from table and wavesaround wildly) What the fuck do you think I’ve been trying to do for the past fifteen minutes you moron!
- (grabs nearby spoon and points) Sir. Calm down. Don’t make any false moves. Put the cup down gently… and step away from the counter.
- (taunts) Oh! I’m soooo scared. What are you going to do, stir me to death? Wait, let me make it easier for you, I’ll get into the cup myself! And then you can infuse me with milk… no wait! I mean, low fat, nonfat, semi… (raises cup high above head, about to smash to floor)
(Security tackle him, carry him out kicking and screaming. Thrown on pavement)
- (Pause. Notices guy in tea-kadai behind him) Ay! Chai.
- Tho!

--

This was a short sketch that I wrote and performed @ pif (installment one) at Madras in December 2007. Anyone wishing to use these, please do ask for permission and give the author (erm, me) due credit. I am just a poor girl though my story's seldom told.

einstein was right, she said, pity i slept with feynman


Since pif (installment one) is over, I shall now post on my blog the short sketches that I wrote and that was performed at the festival. Anyone wishing to use these, for performance or otherwise, please do ask for permission and give the author (erm, me) due credit. I am just a poor girl though my story's seldom told.

Nunsense Worse - Part 1



i kissed her
and i thought of worms
and how her fingers touch worm spit everyday
and yesterday she feasted on bee vomit
and now her giant mouth came towards me
like a gaping hole where light was lost forever
i threw up on the sidewalk
and then i ran
she died under the streetlight
and two days later kim jong il exploded a small nuclear bomb on the planet of zordjnark23.pi
i cry for my red felt hat.
---

i like u she said
i thought of how like poles repel
i am bipolar i said
u are mean she said
and then she cried
i watched her coldly
and then i started teaching about poison distribution
meanwhile in cherapunji one man died of heart failure

---
she told me she had cancer
i told her she used too much deodorant
she said she’s breaking up with me
i asked if she was sleeping with my best friend
she blamed the Koreans
and then transmogrified into a small misshapen chunk of meat
i drove a stake through her and ate her with peanut sauce
her Alsatian howled outside in the cold night air

Sunday, January 20, 2008

you ate my doughnut?


Characters:
Karthik and Sonya.
First dialogue spoken by Karthik. Alternating dialogues.

- You ate my doughnut?!

- I need carbs. You know that.

- That was… my doughnut. I was saving that doughnut.

- Yes. It was quite tragic. But I believe, on this occasion, my needs were greater than yours.

- But why… my doughnut. Why… that doughnut. I even put a sticky note on it. '13th February'.

- It had blue sprinkles. You know I cant resist blue sprinkles.

- I had it all figured out… a nice quiet dinner for myself. By the bedside, where I always dine. And this doughnut… this particular doughnut.

- I opened the fridge… and looked at the doughnut. It had blue sprinkles. And a note. February 13th. That's… six months. To the day.

- I don't think I can take this anymore… this… doughnut… this… arrangement.

- And I thought… god, that's a lot. Six months. I must be mad. I mean, who would do such a thing?

- Its too… its too much. I cant take this anymore. It was fun... in the beginning… but… (reminisces) man, we had some wild times. Remember how we were? Remember…. (runs to fetch notebook and eagerly flips through pages and reads) September 9 th. Today, we feasted on chocolates. 75% percent cocoa, godiva dark…

- Man that was some night… We jived all night to Billy Joel. No wait, it was the Beatles. Old school.

- (still reading) It was 2am when we went up to our room. Sonya has had a little too much red wine. We finished an entire bottle of pinot noir. 1976. Good year.

- And you kept twirling. And my skirt flew up to my waist. And we danced and we danced and we danced… and I wore out my heels.

- (still reading) we made love seven times tonight. Sonya had a multiple orgasm. Her first.

- Remember how we woke up the next day, in each other's arms? Sigh..

- (closes the book) that was some good chocolate we had that night. (pause) All the chocolate is gone now.

- It felt… so good. So complete. Like we were made for each other. And we didn't need anyone else.

- And then the wine ran out too… and we had no wine and no chocolates. And there were doughnuts. And only the doughnuts remained.

- Such a cool idea. Lets run away. lets… be together. Just you and I. Alone.

- And the bread. We had lots of bread.

- We don't need anyone else! If they don't let us get married then.. then… we'd run away! And it was exactly what we did.

- And baked beans. Crates and crates of baked beans. Man we bought out the whole grocery store!

- We'll go into hiding. Lay low. I'd cook and you'd clean. And we'd read and watch movies and dance all night. Just you and me, like husband and wife.

- Guy thought we were mad. Thought we were stocking up for the Armageddon or something! Well… we did buy enough supplies to last three years. Good thing you stole that money from your dad.

- And then we can get married. And no one would touch us. Not your mum…

- Or your dad…

- Or my brothers… or… anyone!

- Who invented these rules man! Who the hell sat up there and said, you, yes you, now you're mature enough to decide who you'd want to spend your life with. Who the fuck..

- (quietly) fuck that…

- Yeah, fuck that! We'd show em. Good thing we knew about D's warehouse huh? Turned it into a makeshift home and holed ourselves up underground.

- Another 3 and a half years to go… 1182 days.

- (quietly) your dad's scary you know.

- I know.

- Said he'd break my legs, when he found out you know.

- I know.

- Sent people over to my home.. broke everything… all the furniture.. the clothes… goondas.. Broke down the door middle of the night and turned the whole house upside down…

- I know.

- Scared the hell outta my mum… she thought we were gonna die for sure..

- I'm not my dad.

- Damn straight you're not! He's a…a… loony. A fucking inbred bastard with all the intellect of a fly! Not good enough?! Im not good enough for you? Ha. HA!

- I miss my dad.

- Problem with these fuckers man… you make a little money. You get a little famous. You come into power, and you think you rule the world.

- And mum.

- Said he'd break my legs and hunt down my family if I came after you. HA! I showed him. (grabs her and holds her close) Who'd she choose, fucker? Who'd she go with, in the end, huh?!

- Karthik..

- Too young. What the fuck do they know?! I'll be 15 in a month. And another three years. And we can get married.

- Karthik... I miss my friends. And school. And my mum. And…

- Hey… what are you saying?

- Six months… six months. The… the supplies are running out. We're out of… of… chocolates, and wine. And the eggs went bad a long time ago and the butter turned rancid. And its baked beans everyday… (hysterical) Baked beans baked beans baked beans! From a fucking tin! I'm going insane.

- You mean… you want to go back to your father? (pause) just like that? Leave.. Me.. Us, and everything we've shared… Jus walk out the door after six months and go, hey daddy, guess who's back?

- (Sobs)

- (agitated) You stupid… idiot! You think you can change this?! (Grabs her by the shoulders and yells) You think you can just…. Change your mind?! We made a pact! Till death! We'd run away and stay in hiding till we were both old enough to get married! You cant leave now!

- (Cries) Stop it… you're hurting me…

- Why did you eat all the doughnuts, you stupid fuck! Why?! I told you to save it. I told you to keep it for another month. Didn't we decide?! Didn't we write it all down? Everything! Every single thing we did every single fucking day. What we were going to eat and when and how much, why don't you just follow instructions like you're told!

- (Screams) let me go! You're hurting me!

- None of this would've happened if YOU haven't climbed into my room that night with your packed suitcase, and… (in a high voice mimicking her) "lets run away, just you and I, and its all arranged... I know where dad hides the cash"… Who did that?! Who?!

- (sobs) I'm sorry... I didn't want any of this.. I don't want this anymore..

- Your stupid loony dad and his.. his.. Goondas! He's nothing but a small time goon. And you! You knew this! And you still ran away and landed at my house in the middle of the night and... I left everything behind.. And mum and sis and..and…they're probably dead!

- (Screams and pushes him away. He falls. She sobs. Then silence)

- (quietly) why'd you have to eat the doughnut?