Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Don't be evil

Funny thing, Google. Their search engine's become a sort of Xerox or Ipod of the internet. And with good reason. They pretty much rock.

But this post isn’t about their revolutionizing the information retrieval genre, their massive page indexes or almost absurd retrieval times. It’s about pussy pillows.
What happens when you google for home décor products, cushion covers, pillow cases and the like? Well, you get this.

The pussy pillow - Celebrating the vagina as a symbol of pride, power and creativity
Our sumptuous yOni pillow is a must for every goddess and goddess lover. In the tradition of the 'naughty' goddess Baubo, the pussy pillow celebrates the vulva as a symbol of pride, power and creativity.
One woman we know has her yoni pillow on a pedestal in the foyer of her mansion. A mini temple declaring to all that enter her home her reverence for the Source and Beauty of Feminine Power!
Hidden among folds of silky satin, a secret zipper reveals a hidden sanctuary for your personal treasures ... those in the know can seek and find the elusive g-spot within! A beautiful rhinestone is strategically placed for any vagina challenged individuals in your life.
The yOni pillow is a grand 24 inches by 12 inches and features more lips on the reverse! A queen among cushions, a pillow for a princess, this gift will delight any woman who appreciates the blessing of being born with a vagina.
The vagina pillow - US$ 60
Now available worldwide

A sumptuous yOni pillow. (Notice the big O, btw) With strategically placed rhinestones for ‘vagina-challenged individuals’ even. A declaration of the Source and Beauty of Feminine Power… at this juncture I would like to interrupt myself and ask a supremely pertinent question. Who are these people, and what have they been smoking?

Imagine this. Your vagina-challenged friend comes home for the first time. You do the expected thing, make yourself at home you say, feel free to look around. And while he feasts his orbs on your bookshelf of volumes to Empower the Feminine 1, he gets a crick in the neck from all that reverencing at the foot of the enchanted tunnel.

Here you say, rest your head on this. Oh go on, don’t be shy, it’s not going to eat you, you know. Btw, it’s got more lips on the reverse. What, a blanket?

Stick hand inside delicate revered folds of silky satin. Rummage rummage rummage. Fish out a ratty old blanket, dark-red with knotted pieces of sticky brown fabric clots

Oh that’s just my sacred goddess menstruating blanket to usher in those Feminine days. Now, would you care for a drink? I’ll fix you my own special concoction, honey-nectar of the divine deity… here, where you gone?

And so you’re left standing there, with a glass of Rasna in your hand, wondering why on earth vagina-challenged individuals feel so threatened by a celebration of the hallowed source of feminine power and wisdom.

But take solace. There are some enlightened ones among the vagina-challenged populace. So what if they lack a sacred gateway to cyclical wisdom? They may yet embrace the Feminine Divinity in all her hole-iness by getting one of these things.( And they cost less than a sex change operation too.

But the fun really begins in the FAQ section. So say, you’re the kinda guy who wants to spend USD7000 on the ‘world’s most realistic love-doll’ – the FAQs tell me btw that customers include futurists, artists, art collectors, film-makers, scientists, health professionals, housewives. Yes, I see the obvious need for these people to own a latex doll with extremely soft and life-like er cavities. Right down to the subtle texture. Scientific research I suppose? Right.

Anyway, let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you are spending your hard-earned cash for the betterment of mankind and progress of civilization. What are the things that you really need to know before you plunk down 7000 big ones?

An essential information is that the silicon doll ‘can withstand upto 400 degrees of heat’. Just in case you’re the type of guy who likes to bonk inside a furnace. Her nipples meanwhile ‘can withstand approximately 400% elongation before tearing.’ So the next time your clothesline snaps you know what to do. But be careful tho! While she’s flexible and can sustain almost any reasonable position, she’s not meant to sustain extreme violent abuse. Violent abuse as opposed to setting her on fire and elongating her till she tears. And finally, she can support over 400 lbs. Dude. If you’re over 400 lbs, you probably need more than a latex chick with steel joints. Like perhaps a sufficiently padded construction crane.

But forget that. What I really want to know is who the hell conducted such ‘extensive’ research? Imagine a conversation at the Employment Agency.

- So what do you do?

- I test the tensile strength of the latex mammaric extremities of silicon filled humanoid replicas.
- Er…?

- I pull nipples for a living.2

- O…k… If you would kindly step aside sir... those men with white strait-jackets in their hands will escort you to your division.

But really. Someone’s got to do it. Why not just get a statistician, put him in a hard-hat and lab coat, stick a HB pencil in his hand and a clipboard in the other and leave him alone in a room with one of these things. He’ll get down to doing the only sane thing any mathematician would do when confronted with a life-size replica of a naked woman, down to the tiniest subtly textured detail.

Now you know why statisticians don’t get laid much.

What anyone would want with nipples stretchable upto 400% is beyond me, but ours is not to reason why. Blessed are those with simple pleasures.

But for the rest of us normal, statistically-challenged individuals who don’t stand much of a chance of making it on Guinness World Records, standing next to the dude in the dorky glasses tapping on a 400% elongated nipple with a HB pencil and measuring tape, take heart. There’s always google.

Don’t be evil.

Go ogle.

1 – Hot Pink: the girl’s guide to primping, passion and pubic fashion. For only $29.95, you can get your hands on ‘seriously useful information’. Like Chapter 2, Creating Pubic Art: A Style Guide.

2 – If you think this dude’s got it bad, the FAQs inform us the doll’s pubic hair is realistically embedded, one hair at a time, into her silicone flesh… So, what do you do for a living? Er… yeah, about that…

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