Tuesday, September 5, 2006

Alphabet Soup


I cheat. This isn't a bona fide blog post, it's my exercise for a writing group I joined. The rule was that the first line should begin with 'A' and every subsequent sentence should begin with the other alphabets in order, thus ending the story with a sentence starting with 'Z'. I didn't strictly follow the rule for this one, so sent in another, and putting this up on my blog. Read it and weep.

- Aren’t you ready yet?!
- Besides, this dress makes me look fat. I’ll wear the black one then. Tell me, which shoes do you like better?
- Christ! I really couldn’t care less. We should have been there by now! Will you please hurry up?
- Don’t use that tone of voice with me! You were the one who insisted I dress ‘traditional’.
- Esther darling, much as I love that sexy strapless wonder, I don’t think it would be wise for you to flaunt your ample décolleté the very first time you meet my parents. They’re very conservative, not used to this sort of thing at all. We’ll have to break it to them slowly, dear; they wouldn’t be able to…
- Fine! I’ll go wear a saree then. There, are you happy? Although it would be fun to see the looks on their faces when you come waltzing in with me, the bouncing braless wonder. I say, we could…
- God help me! Look, could you just wear something appropriate! We’re already ten minutes late and you’re not even dressed!
- Hang on, hang on! My, you do fly into a tizzy. It’ll only take a minute. Ah, there we are. Perfect for the occasion, don’t you think? Oh shoot, it’s all crumpled! Five minutes, love, let me just iron this out and then we’ll leave.
- Iron this out!? It’s a quarter past eight. We’re already late. Traffic is shit. I’ve been waiting here since god knows when watching you put a load of muck on your face, taking hours to pick something to wear, deciding whether those stupid bloody shoes that you just spent half my money on are quite the right shade and now you want to go and iron your outfit!
- Just spent half your money on?! Since when did this become your money? And what do I do all day? Swat flies, I suppose! I can’t believe that you of all people would say something like that! Go on then, get out! Go stuff your face with your mother’s fantastic cooking! Tell her your Christian ‘lady friend’ was indisposed. I think they’ll only be too happy. Who’s that woman they’re so keen to see you marry? She’s probably there right now, smirking to herself! God knows she’s forever at your parents’ house. Your second cousin, whatshername, Kavita or Kalpana or some such rot.
- Kanchana. And she’s not even in the city, she’s gone to Calcutta. Look, I know my folks are a little old-fashioned…
- Little?! That’s like saying Hitler was a tad racist! You told me, the last girl you brought home to meet your parents; you mother nearly made her cry because she had the audacity to add salt to her food.
- Mom can be a bit overbearing. But Esther darling, that’s why I really want this evening to go off well.
- No Rahul, that’s not it. What you want is for me to adopt some completely new persona and morph into this traditional Indian belle so that your mother will accept me! Well guess what, I am NOT going to wear this stupid sari. I’ve been listening to you obsessing over this stupid dinner for over a month now – Esther, have you got something nice to wear! Esther, remember to fold your hands when you greet her! Esther, don’t criticize the food! Well darling, you’ve got nothing to worry about. I’m not going.
- Oh come come, be reasonable darling. I’m only trying to…
- Please stop doing that. I’ve made up my mind and I’m not going.
- Quarrelling like this isn’t going to help. Lets not bicker, come now, be reasonable, just get your shawl, you look fine. We can still make it if we leave right now.
- Rahul! For the last time, I’m not going!
- Shush… don’t be this way. Here, what are you doing now! Put that suitcase away, don’t be silly. Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled. You look fine. The shoes are perfect. Mom is going to love you, let’s just leave ok?
- That’s not the point. I don’t care if your mom is going to love me or not. Do you love me enough to tell her that I’m not your ‘lady friend’ and that I am in fact your girlfriend, I’ve been your girlfriend for a year now and I might just be your wife very soon.
- Understand, Esther! You’re putting me in a tight spot! You can’t just spring news like that on them. They’re old; they need time to get used to new ideas.
- Very well then, take all the time you need. In fact, I won’t even get in your way.
- Where are you going at this hour? Ok look, I’ll just cancel dinner tonight and we’ll meet them some other day. You can wear whatever you like; I promise I won’t breathe over your shoulder. Just leave that suitcase Esther, this really is childish behaviour.
- Xavier will take me in. I’m going to stay with my brother till I find a decent apartment and then I’m going to move out and into my own place.
- You don’t want to do this. Come, Esther, you are being unreasonable. You must accommodate a little darling. They’re old and set in their ways; we have to break it to them gently. Esther, set that suitcase down. Esther, come back here! Esther!
- Zandra Rhodes. 27000 rupees. Black patent leather slingback with peep toe and hanging heart diamante. Well, it wasn’t a total waste of two years. At least I have the shoes.

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